A Sandwich Generation Day: Cycles of Life

I have blogged on this subject before, and at the risk of being redundant, I feel the need to share my experiences of yesterday.

I am calling it a true "Sandwich Generation" Day. And, I wonder if you can relate. I'd love your feedback and to hear your experiences if you'd like to share.

Like many, I'm sorry to see summer come to an end. We had such a blast at our community pool, and I will really miss it.

Not only do I find the change of season a bit challenging, but yesterday, and this whole week, for that matter, I find myself in a somewhat conflicted emotional state.

Seth started Kindergarten today, and I took him to meet his teacher and to see the classroom and classmates. It feels surreal that he has hit this stage of his education. He loved the school, and got particularly thrilled when he asked the teacher if they go on class trips. She said yes, and the first trip is to a firehouse. Well...she couldn't have said anything better for Seth. Firehouses are his most favorite place in the world.

I am both excited for him and a little melancholy that he is growing up so fast. Part of me likes that there are more and different experiences we can have together, yet I like to cuddle with my little buddy.

It just gets me thinking about how fast time goes in general, and the cycles of life.

After returning from Seth's school, we met my dad at the diner for lunch. He was celebrating his 90th birthday! G-d bless him. I am so eternally grateful to have my dad in my life, despite his health challenges and not feeling up to par. I lost my mom 10 years ago, so his presence in my family's life is all the more treasured. And, my sister and I are planning a surprise birthday luncheon for him this Saturday, with family and friends. I want to savor our time together.

Such major milestones in the life of my son and dad this week!

Leaves me with a lot to think about. But, since I am the queen of overthinking, I'm keeping myself busy so I'm not too alone with my thoughts. The last thing I want to do is get teary eyed, though sometimes a good cry is the best release.

I am both sad and happy. I want to take note and rejoice in each upbeat moment and not let my emotions get the better of me.

Have you ever felt this way?

POST VACATION

Wow....if I could have blogged during our vacation, it would have been such a great release, but I didn't have my compter with me.

It was great to get away, and actually had a really amazing experience. I had the opportunity to meet former President Clinton and Hillary, and to personally give President Clinton a signed copy of my book HOW TO MARRY A MENSCH(decent person). Very cool and quite surreal. It occurred to me afterwards that I should have suggested they pass it on to Chelsea, but perhaps they'll do so anyway.

Aside from this encounter, I celebrated my birthday by getting a facial and massage. As I get closer and closer to 50, it's hard to believe just how fast the years go.

And, I saw a newfound maturity of sorts in Seth this trip. He discovered the power of autonomy and exerted himself in a way I've never seen him do at home.

We vacation at Mohonk Mountain House in New Paltz every summer with family members, and have been since Seth was a baby. So, I guess, having grown up there, he has such a level of comfort and familiarity, that he feels he owns the place.

It began by him, along with my 14 year old niece, requesting a copy of our room key for himself. Of course, he kept leaving it in our room, and luckily the room number wasn't on it, in case he lost it outside the room.

Marc, my husband, went home two nights during the trip for a company workshop, and I was with Seth. One of the nights, he gave me quite a fright. He had been playing with a girl a bit older than him and didn't show up to meet me when he was supposed to. I wound up searching the resort and was on the verge of contacting security, when a friend of my sister told me she saw him. Turned out he had been playing in the girl's room, which was ok, except that he didn't tell me.

We bribed Seth to attend the morning session of camp by buying him a toy fireboat he could play with at the beach. Luckily, it worked, so Marc and I could at least get some down time or hiking time in before lunch.

Seth made friends so readily this trip, including a little girlfriend, who looked and acted like a female version of him. They were so totally cute. She doesn't live in NY, so we'll see if we see them again during a future Mohonk trip. We did take photos of them together. I'm curious to see his reaction when we get the photos developed.

As mature as he was trying to act, the five year old in him also emerged. There were a couple of minor poop accidents, losses of toys, and the most unreal pee accident. We had visited Woodstock one afternoon, and bought Seth a tye dyed rock 'n roll t-shirt.

One night he was too weary to put on his pajamas, so he decided to sleep in the shirt and short. Normally we prefer he wear PJs, but went along with it this time since it was vacation.

In the morning, we got quite a colorful surprise. Seth had been so exhausted, that he didn't go to the bathroom before he fell asleep. So, he had a pee accident during the night. When he woke up, the sheets of his bed were blue and purple, from the original white. The dye from the t-shirt had run and colored everything, including his stomach and arms. Just unreal!

We had a tye dye mess.

We threw Seth in the bathtub and scrubbed away, and quickly soaked the t-shirt and hung it in the shower stall, as it dripped further shades of blue and purple.

We were relieved, in a sense, that it happened at the hotel, since our sheets at home are patterned and we would not have been able to bleach out the colors.

So, I'd say our trip was quite eventful in more ways than one. While it's great to get away, it's good to be back home too.

A NETWORK FOR OLDER MOTHERS

Published: August 19. 2008 09:06AM

A NETWORK FOR OLDER MOTHERS

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By Cathy Stovell

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I'm over 40. Everyone knows that but still people bombard me with the question: "When are you going to have children?" What I find even more surprising is that most of the people who ask me this are seniors. Maybe it has got something to do with knowing me as a child and not fully realising my age, because I thought surely in their day women my age were not still having babies.

But there is a trend of women starting their families later in life and while I was not able to get local statistics, women I spoke with said they felt it is also happening in Bermuda.

Read more...

Another lesson in humility

It was around noon, lunch-time for my baby daughter. I had just started to feed her in her high-chair when the doorbell rang: it was the UPS man. I opened the door, saw him coming towards the door with a huge box (of diapers), and went out to get the box from him.

The very moment the door closed behind me, I realized with horror that I was locked out. I started to panic, repeatedly stuttering to the UPS man, "I'm locked out. My baby is inside. I'm locked out. My baby is inside. I'm ...." The UPS man calmly asked me if I wanted to call anyone. I didn't have my phone with me. He didn't have a phone with him. Luckily, there were a couple of workers next door, and let me use their phone. I called 911 and explained the situation.

Then I thought, maybe this is not a call for 911. Maybe I should call the police. So I shared my thinking with the 911 operator:
"I don't know, maybe this is not a call for 911. Maybe I should call the police...."
"Ma'am, this IS the police."
"Oh...."
"Just hang in there. I am connecting you with the LAFD."

Voices changed, and I explained the situation again. I asked when they would be coming to help. They said 'as soon as possible.' I started to panic again, thinking it could be hours before I could get to my baby. She had already started to wail inside.

And at that moment, I heard a siren, and saw a red fire-engine pulling up onto the sidewalk. A team of lean, fit, very capable-looking men got out. All windows were closed and locked except one, on the second floor. One man climbed up the huge ladder that was brought in, and let me into the house.

I reached for my baby, who was very upset (to say the least), got her out of the high-chair, and held her tight. She soon calmed down. (I suspect that the actual length of time she was left alone was not too long.) When I turned around to say thank you, the men had already packed up and were ready to leave. I stopped them to say thank you, thank you, and thank you, so very much. I was almost crying.

A lesson in humility? I always thought that movies portray women who get rescued by the super-heroes as ridiculously over-dramatic. I would roll my eyes as the blond whisper teary gratitudes to the man in the mask. That day, the men from LAFD were super-heroes in my eyes. And I could have kissed the ground they walked on, out of my teary gratitude.

Career Choice: Motherhood Now or Later

Wake Up, Smell the Discrimination and Look Out for Your Career

Column By MICHELLE GOODMAN
Aug. 14, 2008

Maybe it's just me, but sometimes it feels as if researchers are popping out press releases on motherhood and careers faster than women are actually birthing babies.

In July, researchers at the University of California, Berkeley, told us that Harvard grads who went on to get their MBAs became stay-at-home moms at a higher rate than grads who went on to become doctors or lawyers.

Earlier this month, Cornell University let us know that mothers were 90 percent more likely to ditch their careers if their husbands worked at least 60 hours a week but that, if the roles were reversed, the husbands would likely keep on working.

And just last week, Cambridge University informed us that in the U.S., the percentage of people in favor of moms working full time dropped to 38 percent in 2002, down from 51 percent in 1994. In other words, if you believe that "family life would not suffer" if a mom has a career, you're in the minority.

Read more...

and note the mention of MLTS & Robin!

Then again, there's always the concern that you could jeopardize your job or fall behind in your career development by taking too long a leave, said Robin Gorman Newman, founder of MotherhoodLater.com, a Web community for moms over 35.

Adoption

Why is the process of adoption such a challenge?

I have such a mixed feeling about this.

My son is adopted, and we went through a very difficult and emotional course until we successfully became his parents.

Adoption is a common path for many later parents, and while I know some who seemed to make a child their own with greater ease, I know others struggling.

A close mom friend of mine now wants to add to her family through adoption and has shared with me how overwhelming all the paperwork felt, etc., just getting to the point of being able to advertise. Now she is speaking with potential birthmothers, and that's a whole different experience which nothing in life truly prepares you for.

On one hand, I respect that a legal system was put in place to protect children and ideally have them adopted by good homes. However, it just seems that many families whose hearts are in such a good place, and want to adopt, not only have to pay a lot of money to do so, but then have to endure the process which can easily feel like an emotional rollercoaster.

And, sometimes it doesn't even seem like a reality that you will get a child. This friend of mine has big moments of doubt, and I totally empathize. We went through that as well. Until it happens, it's not an easy thing to believe. It can be such a waiting game, all the while your heart just yearns to love and provide for a child.

I feel for the aspiring moms out there who have chosen to go the adoption route, for whatever reason. It's a wonderful way to create a family. I just wish that somehow the process was more inviting or easier to follow.

I have assured my friend that the child she is meant to get will find its way into her home. But, until then, she has anxious periods of waiting for the phone to ring and holding her breath that it will be a truly viable situation that they can see through to completion.

Have you adopted, and what was your experience? Did you find the process a hard one? Did you have your doubts that it would happen for you?

At A Loss for Words

Recently one of my clients confided in me that she and her husband are trying to have a baby and are suffering from infertility. She just finished yet another attempt at IVF that didn't even yield a single egg worthy of extraction. She is 38 years old. She told me she confided in me because she thought I was an inspiration given all that we went through to get Joey and Lyra.

Problem is, I feel like I can offer no inspiration whatsoever. I refuse to give advice to people on this subject, and I refuse to fall prey to all of the cliches.

I refuse to say "Don't give up," because I gave up.

I refuse to say "Just keep on trying," because I stopped trying. And continuing to try in the face of such monumental odds is devastating to a woman's self-esteem, pocket book and sanity.

I refuse to say "Just relax and it will happen," because that is positively the most un-relaxing comment ever and it used to drive me crazy when people would say that to me. And besides, it doesn't work.

I refuse to say "Adopt and then you'll get pregnant," because despite a few "I know someone" stories and Charlotte's miraculous conception in Sex and the City, this does not happen nearly as often as people think. You never hear about the thousands of parents who do adopt and don't get pregnant.

And I refuse to say, "oh a donor egg / adopted baby / adopted embryo will feel just like your baby," because I didn't believe this when I was going through my infertility and adoption issues. (I believe it now, but when you are in the throes of infertility, this is not a great comfort.)

The only thing I can say for sure is that the right baby finds you at the right time. But somehow I feel this is less than adequate. Have any of you been through this with friends? When you've finally crossed over the great divide from want-to-be parent to an actual parent and you've still got friends on the other side? And what do you say?

Our Children, Ourselves

I was watching The View on ABC this morning, and they featured a number of guests addressing the subject of plastic surgery. It was a combination of both individuals and doctors sharing their experiences.

I was particularly struck by a mother and young daughter who were on the show. The daughter had had a couple of procedures. One was breast reduction. The other was liposuction. And, she was addressing how she has a deviated septum and expects one day to have surgery to correct her nose.

There was some debate about such a young person having elective cosmetic surgery, which is a whole topic unto itself.

What really struck me from the segment was a comment made to the effect that what matters most is that it be the child's decision and not that of the parent. Of course the parent is there to support them and seek out competent medical care. But, at the end of the day, elective cosmetic surgery is not something a young person should do to please a parent.

This holds true, in general, way beyond any discussion re: plastic surgery.

As a parent, and perhaps in particular, as a later parent, we want so much for our children. Certainly any parent's goal is a happy, healthy child, but as a 35+ mom, I wonder if we are even more inclined to want our children to reach their best because we are further ahead in our lives and have potentially succeeded at careers or on other levels?

We have to be sure not to impose our wants or desires on our children, however tempting it may be.

While we've lived more of life than younger parents, our children will make their own mistakes, as they should. We can't protect them on every level, nor do we want to live through them.

Seeing who they will become is part of the thrill, certainly as we nurture and provide for them along the way. But, especially as they get older, their decisions will be their own. And, we may or may not be in agreement with them.

I can only imagine it will get harder on that level as Seth matures. I hope I can continue to be a voice of reason and strength as he further develops his own character and personality. I'm immensely curious to see what direction life takes him, and I'm grateful to be along for the ride.

PS -- Reminder -- the MotherhoodLater.com newsletter is launching soon. If you haven't already signed up to receive it, be sure that you input your email address on www.motherhoodlater.com.